Book Review: Love and Logic

Filed under: THE BOOKSHELF, THE DISH ON PARENTING

As I watch the three loverly’s grow I am posed with a conundrum. In one year, the average child learns to suck from the breast or a bottle, drink from a cup, sip from a straw. He also masters eating solids, rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking and clapping. More over babies can understand directions, recognize faces, shapes, colors, numbers, letters and speak. Why can’t they behave when we want them to?

I want to enjoy being around my kids and I want others to enjoy being around them. We have tried to instill basic courtesies. They know please and thank you. Do not hit. Do not bit. Be gentle to the cat. Share your toys. Do not jump on the couch. Do they always stay within the bounds? No, of course not, they are kids. They like to test the waters and they like to do it when we least expect it. It is our job to constantly be one step ahead of them. So we arm ourselves with what we know and the lessons learned by others and hope for the best.

Granted I remember many times as a teenager I thought I knew what I was doing and luckily I had a mom to step in and redirect me. When I am dealing with my own little ones I cannot count how many times I have thought, “what in the world are you doing?” “You should know better!” There are plenty of adults I would ask the same questions. Being a mom is one of the most challenging jobs I have undertaken. With so many books on the subject you would think we moms and dads would have it all figured out. Problem is the majority of experts writing those books focus on the average child and do not take into account the differences of personality. After spending hundreds of dollars to help me figure out why my kid was slightly different from the other kids he played with and not getting anywhere I got the best advice you can get. It was free and from an experienced mom.

That was where I was three years ago. I felt like I was failing miserably. Nothing worked. I tried reading books. I tried watching the Nanny shows. I talked with friends. My son was getting angrier and acting out even more. I was running out of consequences. His toys were gone. There was nothing left in his room but a bed. Why the answer is never there before we reach the dead end eludes me. I was at a friend’s house pouring out my frustrations. She mentioned she had the same struggles with finding consequences and offered to let me borrow a book that helped her. I did not want to scoff in her face. I doubted another book written by another so called expert would be of any help. Politely, I accepted the book. That night I flipped through it. The following day I had finished reading the entire book. It was exactly what I was searching for. I admit I was completely overwhelmed at first. Yet, to my surprise there was a completely different kid living with us after a few days of implementing the strategies taught in the book.

After some observation I made an alarming discovery. My child was not only 100% all natural certified “boy”, but he is a sensitive and spirited child. The average child has an activity level of seven. One being the lowest, ten the highest. Spirited children have an activity level of 9. When I placed him in time out or yelled at him he got worse. Love and Logic helped me realize I was going about discipline the wrong way. We do not have to use a big voice or act authoritative in order to correct bad behavior. Rather allow the child to discover their mistakes and learn how to make right choices while in a loving environment. Instead of saying “that was naughty, you go to time out, now!” I can calmly put my hand on his should, sing “uh-uh, you chose to go to time out!” He is calmly and quietly moved to a time out spot, his bedroom or couch. When he is calm I go to him and give him a big hug and kiss, calmly ask him why he is there and tell him he may come out of time out. As Mason got older we started using delayed consequences. If he broke a rule and I was unable to come up with a consequence right away, the next time he wanted a treat, to play a game or watch TV we would tell him “that’s so sad. You did this.

Love and Logic is also all about making choices. Give the responsibility back to the child. Say things like “do you want to put your shirt on first our your pants?” When they ask for a treat before dinner ask “would you like to have it with your dinner or after?” If it is cold outside, rather than get in a fight over a coat say “it is cold outside, I am going to wear my coat so I do not get cold. Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?” But never give a choice that you cannot follow through on. Choices 99% of the time will defuse the situation. Both parties win.

Love and Logic has become the preferred method of parenting in foster homes and schools around the country. I can see why. The phylosopy is simple. Teach responsibilty and how to make wise choices in a loving, calm and safe environment. The Love and Logic website is a great tool to get up to speed as well as The Parents of Love and Logic group on Cafemom.

Technorati Tags: cafemom.com, giving consequences, how to parent without yelling, kids and responsibility, love and logic institute, the spirited child, the strong willed child

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Behavior Charts and Responsibility- Preparing the Little Guy for Kindergarten

Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING

I am faced with a heavy dilemma at present. The time to sign Mason up for Kindergarten is fast approaching and I am questioning is he really ready to go. He is doing exceedingly well academically. I fear however, that with the the demise of nap time, in most schools playtime and play centers that Mason will meet Kindergarten with a negative attitude resulting in a dislike of school. Moreover my greatest fear is that he will be labeled a problem child for his displays of boyishness. He still has a hard time giving up his toys in exchange for other activities. He dislikes crafts and is not all that interested in participating in class. He can sign his name but prefers writing the letters very small, very large, in scary type or just takes his time because he would rather be doing something else. Mason is very much a boy, a very active boy, in all aspects of the word. All he wants to do is play.

So do I hold Mason back for one more year of Preschool or send him on to Kindergarten. I have pretty much raised our children in a loving and playful home. We are strict about sleep. Adamant about manners and being kind to others. We teach them to help clean up when they make a mess. We have somewhat of a schedule; mostly, we learn through play Montessori style. I am an advocate of letting kids be kids. However, the time has come for Mason to learn a little responsibility. Sort of a coming of age.

After careful consideration Stephen and I have come to the conclusion that if we hold Mason back he will ultimately graduate high school at age 19. A friend of mine who is a child psychologist was helpful in the matter. She cautioned me to think about later on when he gets into 5th and 6th grades and their minds become aware of the age difference. She has seen quite a few problems lately in regards to a child’s self esteem in this particular area. After determining his age difference I went back to Susan and discussed possible solutions to prepare him for the rigors of Kindergarten.

I explained the strategies I had in mind such as introducing a behavior chart. Something we tried before but he was not quite into. Susan gave me a great idea to take pictures of Mason doing each of the activities on the behavior chart such as brushing his teeth, setting the table, behaving at school, sharing his toys and so on. When he sees himself performing all these tasks he will be more likely to participate. Another suggestion Susan had was to play more games that require him to listen to what I am saying and copy what I am doing as in Simon Says and do as I am doing. Then try seeing who can sit still the longest. Rewards can be handed out if needed. My goal is to have them sit still for 30 minutes of reading time.

I found a great idea on a blog Kirk Family Adventures. I do not know how I stumbled upon the blog but I was glad I did. We adhere somewhat to the Love and Logic philosophy. A parenting technique centered around making choices. Needless to say I was right on board with the Kirk Family’s idea of allowing their son to choose if he wanted to do the chores or have mom. If he does them then he gets a bead and if she does them them there is no reward. (A great introducing to prepare him for his first official chore and allowance beginning next year.) She made a list divided by morning, evening, any time chores and enrichment. Her son earns privileges in exchange for beads.

Another option my brother introduced to me is Handipoints. Handipoints is a free behavioral/chore chart website. It keeps track of all the child’s responsibilities and the points earned for completing them. The child can create an Avatar cat complete with user name. The parent assigns how many points and Handiland bonus points are awarded for each completed task. The parent also has to grade the tasks. So if your child gets sneaky and says they did something they did not, when you grade their chart points are deducted. Points go toward rewards you both come up with and bonus points are exchanged for clothing for their cat and decor for their house. Handiland is where the cats can chat, trade clothes or furniture with other members, play games for more bonus points and shop.

The challenge is to remember to keep Mason to task. I hung his strand of beads up where he can always see them. Out of site out of mind, right? I am encouraged and excited to see him move on and conquer great things.

Technorati Tags: Behavior charts, chore charts, Handipoints, Is my son ready for Kindergarten, love and logic group, rasing a boy

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Laughter Helps the Medicine Go Down

Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING

Not long ago, I made an amazing discovery. As in J.M Barrie’s classic Peter Pan, I had grown up. I had forgotten how to play dolls and cars or come up with a silly song or bedtime story. It is so easy to become consumed with the day to day responsibilities of being a mom and wife that I sometimes forget to laugh. I realized I had better lighten up relax and have fun. These years I have with my little ones are so short.

Child development experts believe that humor is a learned trait. While children do come with their own personalities, we can set the tone for how they cope with life’s ups and downs. If you want your child to be able to roll with it, to embrace defeat and move on, then we as parents need to be able to laugh at the uh-oh’s. I had an interesting conversation with my mom while she was here for Christmas. She mentioned how her mom would never let them play with paints until the situation was perfect for fear of having to clean up a huge mess. I am guilty as charged.

After little Everett was born, I was extremely ill and sleep deprived. The last thing I wanted to do is clean up an extra mess. I realized my mistake when one afternoon I thought I would be a great mom and let my kids paint. Mason refused to paint because as he put it “painting is messy.” Oh what great influences we have on our children. Yikes! No use in crying over spilt milk right? I needed to change if I expected them to change. Instead of getting mad over an accident I taught them to just clean it up. That is not to say I am never exasperated in the face of another clean up. I am trying to be more aware of how I handle the situation. Adelin adopted “it’s ok, it is just an accident” as her favorite catch phrase. Now, I get a laugh when the kids pull out the art supplies or make a mess and I hear Stephen freak. He looks at me for support and I sheepishly have to say they are fine.

Studies have shown laughter improves mood, strengthens the immune system and lowers blood pressure. It can also take the stress out of being a parent. Comedy can conquer a tantrum 99.9 % of the time. The goal is to diffuse the tantrum. Talking and scolding only make it worse. I like to play “Where is it”. A game I adopted from a friend of mine. You say “Oh my, it is gone. Is it in your ear? Is it in your shirt?” The goal is to find his lost smile. Other times, I point to his shirt and say is that your sock? Kids get a real kick out of funky sounds and calling a body part or object by the wrong name. Another strategy I try to use is singing. It is hard to yell when you are singing. I usually will sing a song about what they are doing. Sometimes nothing works and it is best to leave them alone.

Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not Mother of the Year. My friend and I sadly share our dirty secrets to each other about how many times that week we lost it. I think it helps us feel we are not alone and we are filled with the necessary encouragement to press forward.

Here are some ways we try to fit fun and laughter into our lives.
-Take time out to see a funny play or movie or go to a local comedy club
-Organize a game night with family or friends.
-Host a karaoke night or XBOX tournament. Our favorite is Rock Band
-Call an old friend
-Play Snake in the Cave
-Play Monster coming
-Play peek-a-boo.
-Play hide-n-seek.
-Say you are a cat but moo like a cow
-Sing using a goofy voice.
-Make up rhymes. The kids love stuff like faster, faster we need another master.
-Read stories using different voices. My daughter squeals when I read her Charlie and Lola using the voices from the TV show.
-Walk and dance using funny movements.
-Kids love the old slapstick humor of falling down. They love it a little too much.
-Play construction trucks to pick up a load of laundry and bulldoze them to the laundry room.
-Teach a baby doll a crazy dance. Another favorite.
-Place objects where they do not belong such as a shoe on your head and a hat on your foot.
-Point to a body part and say the wrong word.
-Celebrate traditional and made up holidays

Technorati Tags: how to be happy, learning to laugh, New Years resolutions, parenting, tantrums

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I Have A Dream For Mason

Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING

Today Mason’s teacher invited all the parents to attend a special celebration at school. As part of our homework assignment we were to write or draw the dream we have for our child. A hula hoop was hung from the ceiling and the papers tied to the hula hoop to crate a “Dream Catcher”.

My dream for Mason is not far different from any other devoted mom or dad. I want to see him succeed in life both in education and career. That he will have the understanding that anything is possible; that with a lot of hard work and perseverance he can do great things. He will be a strong leader. He will be a loyal friend and loving husband and father. He will have a strong work ethic. He will be known for his honesty, courage and integrity. He will be someone who is not afraid to stand up for what is right. He will use his talents to do good and help others. Stephen would like to see him become a doctor but I believe that he should do what he is passionate about because he is the one logging in the hours day after day.

Technorati Tags: dream catchers, fun family, I have a dream, kids dreams, postive thinking

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Teaching the Value of Work Through Play

Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING

In today’s economic uncertainties proper money management is top on the list of priorities when it comes to preparing my children for the real world. When I was in college I did not drive anywhere on the weekends because I did not have the money to pay for the extra gas spent. I did not take money from my parents nor was I out buying clothes or going to the movies. I made just enough money to cover living expenses and that was it.

A few of my friends invited me to a little get-together one evening. These were friends I respected so imagine my shock when one of them got up and announced we were there to discuss financial possibilities. The owner of the house was my age. By age 24 he had secured a Hummer and a sizable home with many amenities. The scheme was not so much about selling products but rather sign up as many people as you can naïve enough to fork over $1500. I thought how dumb could they be to allow themselves to become a part of this. They had managed to convince a girl to turn over one thousand dollars of money she did not have to spend on get rich quick schemes. I had to hold them back as I ushered her out of the room and to her car. Not even one month later the gentlemen who started this scheme over in Switzerland went under taking all the blind that followed with him. I wonder how much of the oversized housing market was due to individuals like these who had not been taught the fundamentals of financial responsibility (or ignored it) and saw a quick buck.

My kids are still too young to recognize the value of money. I can only imagine the tantrum that would ensue over my giving Mason a dime and Adelin ten pennies. All they would see is one of them has more coins than the other. But, there are other ways to teach the little guys about money and the value of work.

By the age of one our children knew how to throw their diapers away, wash dishes and pick up toys. Toddlers love to put objects into things. In our home when we clean up I try to include our one year old, making it into a game. The other kids are driven by the excitement of teaching their baby brother how to put things away. By three the older two knew how to clean their own rooms (by themselves without me telling them too, I do not know how that happened), the bathrooms, mop the floors, pull weeds, vacuum, sweep, dust, set the table and help cook. At this age they help out because they want to and they do a pretty good job. I love it when Mason excitedly asks us to “come see.” Proudly he announces that he cleaned his room. Yes it was very clean. The funny part was he had thrown every article of clothing and all his toys into the hallway. They are practicing now how to work. And we give them every opportunity to do so. If they are bored I immediately find them something to do. At this age they are happy to comply when it is on their terms so I try to let perfection go and have fun.

I do believe in allowances, however; I believe that chores are part of being a family. Mason begins Kindergarten next year and will most likely start receiving a monthly, age appropriate, allowance when he has learned to associate a value to the coins. For now they love to sort the coins and play grocery store. They learn to conserve energy by turning off the lights and take care of their clothes by tackling stains right away and hanging them up to dry. By age twelve and thirteen they will be capable of finding odd jobs in the community such as babysitting, mowing the neighbor’s lawns, washing cars or selling homemade baked goods. They will learn about giving to charity, savings and being frugal.

Budgeting and a good sound worth ethic are the two most valuable tools my mom taught me. It did not happen on my way off to college. It happened when I was very young when my mom refused to give in to my demands and made me wash the dishes. I want to send my children off with the knowledge we work hard, we save for a rainy day, use what we have and go without when we have to.

Technorati Tags: budgeting, family, money management, parenting, teaching children about money

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Making The Switch To Eco-Friendly Cloth Diapers

Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING

New moms have plenty to think about these days. There is the birth plan, what color to paint the nursery, breast feeding vs. bottle feeding and cloth diapers vs. disposable. I passed on the cloth mostly because I had memories of my mom swirling the cloth diaper around in the toilet to clean the fecal matter off. I have listened to my mother-n-law recount her experiences scrubbing the garments with bleach and how her awful her hands hurt. However, if I knew what I knew now I most likely would have chosen the more eco-friendly way. By now I am too set in my ways. That is not to say with time and a little coaxing one day I will switch over.

A friend of mine recently switched over to cloth diapers. Forget all images of safety pins and plastic covers. These things are amazing. Patty makes hers as the cost to buy them can be costly at first (about $15 plus per diaper). Happy Heiny’s and BumGenius have snaps allowing them grow with your baby from birth to toilet training. The gDiapers starter kit have disposable inserts but the refills are fairly expensive.

The all in one diapers are shaped like underware and made of a waterproof material on the outside with Velcro closures. Inside there is an insert that absorbs the urine; also making it convenient to reuse the diaper after adding a new insert. Another great modern invention is the flushable diaper liner making poopy diapers a cinch to clean. For night time use many moms use two liners or doublers inside the shell for extra absorbency. Hemp and bamboo being the preferred liner as they are more absorbent than cotton. At the end of the day they still have to be washed. Some moms leave them in a bucket of bleach water. Some throw them in the washer for the next day. The fall back is how many times they have to be washed. I suspect the amount of water used sort of defeats the point. On the other hand it is nice to think they are not filling up the land fill.

Technorati Tags: bum genius, bumkins, cloth diapers, eco freiendly diapers, flushable diaper liner, fun family, going green, happy heiny's, kushies

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January’s Website Review: The Happiness Project & My Simpler Life

Filed under: THE BOOKSHELF, THE DISH ON PARENTING, THE ORGANIZED HOME

This month’s website review happens to include two websites; The Happiness Project and My Simpler Life.

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT is a memoir written by Gretchen Rubin about her year long adventure as she sets out to test every theory, tip and scientific study on being happier. The website is her daily blog on the subject.

MY SIMPLER LIFE – SIMPLE LIVING
Beth Dargis is a simplicity coach. Her goal is to help teach others how to love life, work hard and have fun, how to stay positive and take time to relax. She helps her clients “uncover what is the most important things for them to be doing.” She coaches those individuals “searching for something more in their life while releasing what they no longer need.” There is no need to become a client in order to become inspired or get tips on time management off of Beth’s website.

Both The Happiness Project and My Simpler Life teach how to step back, breathe and enjoy what we have at the moment. My brother once told me you are who you are now, unless you change who you are today. I have come to realize their is never going to be a better day than today unless I make it so. I find I am happier when I break free of me. When I can step back and think of all the joy around me. It takes time and a lot of practice. I am also trying to laugh more. Something I lost for a while. It is really hard to be angry when I am laughing or singing.

Technorati Tags: 10 tips to being happy, Beth Dargis, change, Gretchen Rubin, my simpler life, New Years resolutions, the happiness project, time management

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Winter Flu Season Tips

Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING

Fall is almost here and that means, allergies and colds. Last year, we had an epidemic of colds, flu’s, ear infections and the like up until March of this year. As much as I love my Pediatrician, I am determined to make it through this flu season without weekly visits to see her or our friends at Urgent Care.

With the first onset of cool weather, I run a cool mist humidifier every night and supplement an extra dose of vitamin C. (per our Pediatrician’s suggestion, I dissolve half of a 250 ML chewable tablet in milk or water once a day.) If they are sick, we give them a dose of Acidophilus in their food to help support their immune system.

For stuffy noses, I use Little Noses Saline Drops and run the Theraflu or vicks room fan. (One runs on batteries and the other is a night light that plugs into a wall socket.) I have one for our room too. They work wonders. Or, I add salt and eucalyptus oil to the humidifier. It is also helpful to place a small folded blanket or pillow under the mattress to elevate the head.

I keep Childrens Motrin around in case the flu hits and they develop a high fever. We also have Childrens Advil and Tylenol in the event they get an ear infection.

****These are suggestions approved by our Pediatrician for our children. Please consult your child’s Pediatrician first to get his/her approval.

Technorati Tags: baby cold remedies, baby congested, baby flu, flu season, kids flu

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