Creating memorable and healthy dining experiences.
February the “Month of Love” – johanna
February 15th, 2010 | Filed under: CREATING MEMORIES, THE BOOKSHELF, THE DISH ON PARENTING
Source: “Valentine’s Day Heart” by Claudia Bear
Franklin Convey once said it takes 26 days to make a habit. Child Development therapists tell us when disciplining our children to modify one behavior at a time. I decided to take their approach to my New Year’s resolutions. Rather than become overloaded by all I want to accomplish my quest this year is to pour my heart into one goal each month. In the flavor of “Love” this month my goal is to plant seeds of kindness and grow some love.
Many, many, many years ago I had a roommate I could not stand. In addition to a very long list of irritating habits, she had a deviated septum that made it difficult for her to breathe through her nose quietly. What I remember is that I really started to despise the girl. You have to understand I am a peacemaker. Born in July makes me a Cancer and so I tend to try my best to avoid confrontation. So I set out to seek advice from a wise old man on how to remedy my problem. I was told to love her. Yep, love her. How do you treat someone who grates on your nerves with kindness? Well I will tell you this, it was not easy. At first I made her bed every morning. Then I would grudgingly give her compliments. By the end of 6 weeks she and I became great friends.
It seems in relationships the first line of defense is to ignore the problem or enact revenge in the form of hurtful words or actions. Or in the case above with my friend I would have allowed negative feelings for someone I hardly knew ruin a potential long lasting friendship. I know sometimes we just want to wallow a little in our sorrows. It is ok to feel hurt, even anger and jealousy, but it is not ok to act out on those feelings. Move on. I know, easier said than done. The way I explain it to my five year old is like this; when we harbor negative feelings they begin to grow until they take over our bodies like the Dark Side did to Aniken Skywalker. We have to forgive ourselves, the person we wronged or the person who wronged us and move on so we do not turn to the Dark Side.
I really had to think about what I wanted to achieve by my Love Dare. There is always room to improve when it comes to expressing love but I did not want my goal to be too vague or corny. I had to narrow it down enough that I would remain interested and most of all see the results. The answer came to me the day I was filling out a “Get to Know You” questionnaire for our kindergartner. The last question asked “Name one thing my parents think is especially great about me.” Mason could not grasp what the question meant. More importantly I wondered how often we express to him the things we admire most about him. His answer was “I play with the baby to distract him.” How sad is that? I decided that not only is it important to tell our children daily how much we love them, we also need to help them see how great they really are. The same thought can be applied to all of our relationships, most especially our spouses.
Ways To Give More Love:
- Forgive and Forget: Accidents happen. Our mantra states “That’s ok!” All messes can be cleaned up. Some just take a little more work than others.
- Be positive: No one likes a sour-puss. Nothing is worse than being told you cannot accomplish something. Be supportive of others and their dreams even if you do not share their enthusiasm. If we dream hard enough we can touch the stars or at least feel confident it was a successful failure.
- No Nagging: Nagging is contention and contention creates nothing but negativity. Negativity can lead to animosity and the destruction of a soul. This can be a difficult feat to accomplish with kids. A kind warning and a strict consequence is easier on the ears than harsh criticisms for not following through.
- Compliments Galore: The way to a man’s heart is not food but compliments. It is like their energy source. Fill them up with superhero power and they will dazzle us. Our friends and family could use a good dose as a pick me up too.
Chinese New Year - Year of the Tiger – johanna
January 18th, 2010 | Filed under: CREATING MEMORIES, THE BOOKSHELF, THE DISH ON PARENTING
Photo By: Yang Yi, in China Hejin, Shanxi Province
I am not superstitious; yet, I will admit I get a little nervous when salt is spilt. I do not believe in horoscopes; however, they really have my personality pegged. The Chinese baby gender calendar called the gender of each of my three children. The “Chinese Day Of” calendar that reveals the major personality trait based on the day you were born is surprisingly accurate as well. So don’t call me foolish when I realized that this year, 2010 is the year of the tiger. That is me. And I admit there was a second of hopefulness that this year would bring us some luck.
I started this year two weeks behind on everything. News Years Day had me sitting at my desk pondering if I should go ahead and mail out my Christmas cards. I didn’t. I hated starting the year in such disarray. But… it is a new year and I was not about to dwell on the negative. It was after all the first day of the year. Hey, I started the day off right. I ran that morning and we went out on a family outing and later that day I bravely took the kids on a bike ride. There was much to rejoice over. So I cleared my desk and began writing thank you cards. I am THE worst at remembering to write thank you cards. If I do write them I forget to mail them. I decided if I did not master anything else this year I am going to be the best at writing thank you notes.
I am pledging to forgo one larger New Years resolution in favor of smaller monthly goals that are more attainable for my ADD brain. For one month I am going to focus on one goal. If at the end of the month I am a complete failure I will not beat myself up and melt into a year long depression. I will arm myself to work even harder the following month on a new daunting task.
First up is laughter. This year I vow to laugh more. Yes, this was my New Year’s resolution last year and I think I did fairly well. Laughter, as the saying goes, is the best medicine. The tricky part is learning to laugh in the face of adversity. I think we could all use a lesson in putting our best face forward. The point is, I want to teach my kids that life is full of spills and falls and embarrassments and it is ok. If we want to find happiness we need to discover laughter first.
A good hearty laugh can:
- Lighten our mood.
- Reduce stress.
- Lower blood pressure.
- Boost our immune system.
- Stimulate the brain.
- Reduce anxiety, depression and aggression.
- Produce endorphins that stop pain.
- Is a great abdominal workout.
- Increases our energy level.
- Breaks down barriers.
- Help us cope.
Learn to Laugh by:
- Being silly with the kids.
- Being adorable with the significant other.
- Hanging out with people who are genuinely happy. Laughter is contagious.
- Quit trying to act so grown up. (Who made the rule that grownups have to be stiff?)
- Find a reason to celebrate.
- Abandon the negativity.
Laughter, of course, won’t make our problems go away, but it can help us get through them gracefully. How do we pick our way through the briar patch? We slow down. We take the time to enjoy a cup of laughter.
Raising A Leader – johanna
January 4th, 2010 | Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING, THE ORGANIZED HOME
To become a successful leader kids need to learn responsibility somewhere. That begins in the home when they are young by building their confidence through applauding small achievements. Some may have negative feelings toward chores because of the way they were brought up. I know I often felt like I was a slave rather than a kid but as I matured and gained insight I realized the responsibilities thrown at me as a kid has taught me how to be self-reliant as an adult.
Chores can be a positive and constructive way to build confidence and teach leadership through responsibility. Boys especially need chores. We are no longer a society that sends our boys out to work in the field all day. They relish the satisfaction of a job done well. Boys love to solve problems. They also need structure and to be held accountable. Give them a task and help them learn how to go about completing that task by giving them clear concise directions but with a little leeway for creativity and a consequence to hold them to it and they will radiate confidence.
Chores are also a way to teach our children how to one day care for their own homestead; moreover, chores teach them to respect property and accountability. Boys should learn to cook, clean, do dishes and mend clothing just like girls should know how to care for their car, take out the trash, repairs and mow the law.
Know What Is Expected- Be Consistent.
I think we can agree that chores are not on our kids list of top priorities. Whenever my mom would ask my brother to clean up his reply was always “I am eating.” Somehow he was absolved without any further discussion. My daughter though she is three takes after he Uncle Todd. When asked to clean up she will lie down and feign she is oh so tired.
If you implement a system you have to be ready and willing to be consistent because they will fight you on it. They will push the boundaries a little to see how tough you are. Lay out the rules so they know what is expected of them and hold them to it. We are a team and we work together to keep the home functioning.
- Use a chore chart to help them keep track of the chores they are responsible for. There are a myriad of charts out there. Behavioral charts use motivational cues such as rewards. Chore charts can be a spinning wheel to cards. Just search Chore Charts in Google Images to find something that fits your family.
Set a time frame. Something like all their chores must be done before school or by dinnertime. For younger children the consequence might be if you have to pick up their toys you get to keep them. The next day when they ask to play with them you calmly remind them why they are put away and that they may have them tomorrow or they must earn them back. For teens you might take away a privilege. They can’t go out with their friends, play video games or watch TV.
A timer works well to keep them on task. If they insist they are too tired or hungry to do their chore set the timer for 15 minutes. Once the timer goes off they must complete the chore or there are consequences.
Play to the age group.
Create the habit of cleaning up by introducing the concept of chores at an early age. Kids can learn at one year of age how to pick up their toys and throw away their diaper. The little ones love to imitate mom and dad hard at work. Let them contribute in their own way even though you will have to go back later to “fix” the job. Little ones can help vacuum, sweep, wash dishes and help make the bed. As they grow look for tasks they are good at and those that will help improve developmental milestones.
Since our kids are young their chores are pretty simple. I help the two year old clean the loft, the three year old has to keep the downstairs free of toys and clothing (since she is the one who usually puts them there) and the five year old chooses a task to complete each day. It could be emptying the laundry baskets or shredding papers. They are also responsible for cleaning their own room as well as helping set and clear the table. It was interesting to note one day when our five year old left something downstairs and the three year old got onto him about it. She was showing accountability for her area.
Make a list then have them choose the one they would like to be responsible for. I mentioned that the two younger children have specific household chore they are responsible for overseeing each day while the oldest may choose. When dealing out chores the first criteria to take into consideration should be age and the second the child. Our oldest is five and a highly creative kinetic learner. We know that he performs best when given the leeway to do it his way. Our daughter does not like change. She prefers to know what is expected of her in advance.
Make chores fun.
Play to a child is their job. Some days it is a struggle to get the kids to finish their chores. Other days they beg me to let them help me with mine.
- The kitchen floor becomes a skating rink. Wrap wet rags around their feet and let them skate to mop the floor.
- The sink becomes a car wash. Little ones love to play in the suds. They may start out playing with their cars and end up washing dishes, the chairs, the cabinets and even you.
- Play a game under the blanket to make the bed. The kids can pretend they are in a cave. Spread the bedding out over them smoothing the edges to make the bed. Reaching in from the bottom of the bed grab their feet and pull them toward you and off the end of the bed. Then attack them with tickles and kisses. move on to the next bed.
As a mom I understand the biggest hurtle is time. School and extra-curricular activities do not leave much time for quality family time or responsibilities at home. Your plan and how it is carried out depends on your family dynamics and the specific chores. After a six hour day at school the last thing I want to ask of my child when he gets home from school is to complete his chore, especially if he has homework and sports practice. We have tried early morning chores before school. Before bed time did not work either. We have small children who go to bed early to ensure they get the maximum sleep needed. In the mornings it is a race to get everyone dressed, fed and out the door. We have found right before dinner works best in our home, if weekdays are too hectic schedule chores on the weekends.
Slowing Down in a Fast Pace World – johanna
October 28th, 2009 | Filed under: THE BOOKSHELF, THE DISH ON PARENTING
When our oldest was born I had no clue what Helicopter, Attachment, Authoritarian, Permissive, Glider, Conscience or Hyper parenting were. All I knew was I loved holding and kissing my little one every moment. I did have an idea of how I wanted to raise our young one and with time that plan has been revised, remolded and redefined multiple times; for as we know kids come with their own personalities and what works for some others resistant.
We lived in the North Bay of California within easy access to the big city, lazy beaches and majestic mountains. We found we were no longer lured in by the amenities of the city but rather captivated by the peaceful slow moving pace of the country. Our turn of heart is shared by many who escape the congestion and noise of the busy streets for that of suburbia in a noble quest to raise their family. However, many families whom have jumped on the band wagon with dreams of the perfect family life behind the white picket fence in the Burbs or country, have discovered the grass does not always stay greener on the other side. They are coming away from the experience just as overwhelmed as before. The fact is families who dwell in the city as well as those in the country pack too much into their lives.
Slowing Down:
Did “Mary Poppins” and “Hook” not teach us the value of slowing down? I am reminded of the lyrics from the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol, “would you lie with me and just forget the world.” Take time out to forget the world. Turn off the electronics, the computers, cell phones, MP3 Players and TV. Sing another song, read the book as if you are present, use the time in the car to open up and connect with your children, go fly a kite.
Slowing down is a difficult decision to make. There is the PTA, deadlines, Classroom sign ups, homework, housework, holidays, family, friends, sports and the list goes on and on. Slowing down does not mean you have to move to the woods and take up knitting and canning. If your family is happy with their present obligations it just means you may need to get a little more creative when it comes to fitting in quality family time. Slowing down means doing what works best for you and your family.
Find Balance:
It has taken me five years to get over my perfectionist tendencies but much longer than that to find balance. I am one who tends to expend all my energy at once leaving me on empty for days or weeks at a time. When I was young and single it was not a problem; however, now that I am older and mom of three sensitive hyper-active children I cannot afford to check out. Sometimes that means ordering take out for dinner on game night or the evening the kids and I loose track of time. There are times I put the little ones in the bathtub a couple times during the day just so I can have time to breathe. I may even go to bed without doing the dishes because I would rather read to the kids. Finding balance sometimes requires making sacrifices.
Make the Time Count:
A friend of mine once described me as the type of person who never had enough hours in a day. I was up early. I retired late. The busier I was the more fulfilled I felt. Comedian Eddie Cantor once said, “Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast—you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” The question I needed to ask myself was “why the rush?” I was filling my day with mindless tasks that in retrospect were fun and made the time pass quicker but were unproductive.
I lived life to the fullest without a thought of where I was going and who I wanted to take with me. Making each moment count means understanding “where am I going?” and “how to get there?” Life is filled with decoys that stall us or hinder us from getting to the place we want to be. Take the journalist approach by asking the important questions relative to relationships both family and romantic, your job, and the person you want to become. Find ways to make those relationships more meaningful.
When time is of the essence we dare not waste it with decoys that give us limited relief. Leo Babauta the creator and writer of ZenHabits.net wrote, “slowing down is a way to incubate, conserve, and harvest our energy, not about relief from boredom by just watching more TV or going shopping” “We need leisure to rest, create, relate, and think.”
The Central Valley of California is a long way from the sandy warm beaches of Florida where I could cast off the stresses of my week and prepare for the oncoming onslaught of responsibilities. I found peace as the waves washed over me taking with them my fears and frustrations. I go there in my mind when my daily challenges build up so much they begin to suffocate me. I find that as I lie there daydreaming I can taste the salt in the air, feel the sand between my toes and hear the crashing of the waves. I feel more relaxed after a hike in the woods or my virtual reality at the beach than an hour spent on the internet or watching a show.
Forget the Jones’:
Lastly, stop the guilt. Sometimes it is ok to ignore the schedule. Stop living a fast life and start living a good life. If we have learned anything at all these past few years in a down turned economy is that less is more. Less gadgets and toys equals more creativity. Less scheduled activities more play time, think the Sandlot. Hopefully one day less meaningless homework and more time to be a kid.
The slow movement is moving beyond the Attachment Parenting mentality that suggests we cater to every whim and need of our children. The slow-movement is bypassing Hyper-parenting that fueled the guilt we already felt by adding prenatal classical concerts in the womb in addition to a Doogie Howser mentality prompting parents to compete with one another over development milestones, pricey preschools and extra extra-curricular activities. The slow-movement is sailing over Helicopter moms who hover over their kids worrying about every bump scrape or bruise and who are responsible for the influx in child safety such as baby knee pads. While safety should be our top concern these little guys need to learn the right amount of independence proportionate to their age.
The slow-movement is getting away from a society super charged with “getting rich quick” and spending that wealth extravagantly. The slow-movement is steering kids away from cell phones and video games and directing their interests to building a treehouse in the back yard, allowing them to explore, providing downtime to relax especially after school and focusing more on family time; nature walks, bike rides, lying in bed and family game nights.
More and more families are taking the conscience parent approach to parenting. They are taking the reins raising their family according to the families needs rather than doing what someone else says they should do. “Conscious parenting is about tuning into your feelings, doing what feels right to you, finding ways to move toward balance, choosing connection, living with joy and gratitude, letting your love spill out all over the place, adopting an attitude of self-reflection, having loads and loads of compassion for yourself, your partner and your children and recognizing that there is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child.” Carrie Cotney PHD.
NY Times- Parenting: What is Slow Parenting.
Slow Down Now: a parody site.
A Holy Experience: religious references but the site is lovely and peaceful.
Ted: Video clip on why we should rethink our fast paced lives.
Playful Parenting: A book on how to make parenting fun.
Slow Family Living: A site dedicated to supporting the family.
Power of Slow: a web blog on slowing down.
The School Lunch Dilemma – johanna
September 16th, 2009 | Filed under: NUTRITION, THE DISH ON PARENTING
The first day of school our little guy came home crying because he wanted to eat off a tray like the other kids and because the day was too long. The school schedule I cannot change but I pulled him into a big hug and told him we would look at the school lunch schedule together and he could circle the days he would rather eat a school lunch.
Although school lunches have been revamped providing meals that are lower in fat in addition to offering more fresh fruits and vegetables, I still worry about my little guy. With a plate full of, doctored up, mac and cheese fruits and veggies are an after thought. Each morning of the day he decides to brave the cafeteria we discuss the menu and he makes his choices. We talk about the importance of eating healthy often at the dinner table but it does not hurt to give him a gentle reminder before he is out the door and out of my watchful eyes.
I prefer that he take his lunch however, coming up with portable yet healthy and tasty lunch ideas week after week is a cumbersome task when you also have to think about safety issues and pleasing the patron not to mention his friends. The following are some tips and ideas we have implemented. By all means if you have anything to add or share leave us a comment.
THE EQUIPMENT:
- A thick insulated lunch box. Insulated lunch bags or boxes are the best choice for keeping lunches cold. If you do use paper lunch bags, double bag to create an additional layer of insulation.
- A metal thermos: for drinking or transporting hot soups or cold fruit.
- A freezer pack.
- A few reusable containers to prevent food from leaking and getting smashed, and will help you avoid using disposable items like plastic bags and foil.
THE FOOD:
- Be sure to include fruits and vegetables, protein and whole grains every day.
- Breads: use whole grain breads, pita, bagels, tortillas, flat bread, rolls and crackers.
- Try sandwich spreads such as tuna fish, egg or chicken salad or cream cheese. Mix in finely chopped carrots, bell peppers or celery.
- Make your own lunchable. Pack string cheese, cheese cubes or prepared cheese spread along with bread sticks or crackers.
- Heat frozen waffles and make a sandwich with them, using peanut butter and jelly. Or cut them into bite-sized pieces or sticks and send syrup or yogurt for dipping.
- Take leftover cooked chicken cut into strips. Pack dipping sauce such as salsa, ranch dressing, barbecue sauce, ketchup, honey mustard, or marinara sauce.
- To vamp up the traditional peanut butter and jelly replace the bread with a tortilla. Add peanut butter honey or jam, shredded carrots and apples, or sliced banana and raisins. Roll up tight then slice crosswise into pieces.
- Nachos with containers of ground turkey, guacamole, grated cheese and tortilla chips.
- Pastas such as pasta or couscous salads, macaroni and cheese, tortellini with pesto, spaghetti with marinara sauce
- Soups including Chili with corn chips, chicken noodle and vegetable.
- Always pack fresh cut up vegetables. Include a separate container with low-fat dressing or peanut butter for dipping.
- Pack fresh or canned fruit with peanut butter or a low fat fruit dip such as yogurt with whipped cream or cream cheese mixed with jam.
- Look for fruit snacks and fruit leather with 100% fruit juice. Fruit Roll-ups are really candy masquerading as real fruit. Do not overlook dried fruit and yogurt covered raisins.
- Include fat-free milk. Fill a portable drink bottle half-full with milk; freeze overnight. In the morning top it off with cold milk.
- Look for juice that contains 100% percent fruit juice. Brands like Sunny Delight, Hi-C, Fruitopia and Capri Sun contain only 10% juice.
- Limit sweets and chips to special occasions like Monday to help them look forward to school or Friday as a job well done or birthdays and holidays.
- Replace oily chips with baked chips or crackers, healthy breakfast bars, protein bars or granola bars.
SAFETY AND TIPS:
- Prepackaged lunches and snacks are high in fat, sugar, salt and calories, and are much more expensive. Skip on the bagged stuff and use fruits and vegetables to fill them up.
- Ask for their input before loading their lunch box. Kids can be finicky. Foods they liked today they may not like tomorrow.
- Cut sandwiches into interesting shapes with cookie cutters.
- Recycle yogurt containers and fill with Jell-O or pudding mixture (before it sets), veggies or fruit.
- Add some fun by using colored plastic wraps, holiday zip-lock bags and napkins.
- To prevent soggy sandwiches pack the cheese, lettuce and/or tomato separately.
- Heat food thoroughly before pouring into the container. It is best to use a metal container. Heat the inside of the container with boiling water for 5 minutes then discard before adding hot food.
- Use freezer packs, gel pack or frozen juice or water to keep foods cold.
Pack perishables around the freezer pack.
- Leave the cookies at home. A couple of cookies with milk for an afternoon snack once in a while are treats kids look forward to. Give your kid a bag of carrots and a snack pack of oreos and guess which one he will choose? Stick with fresh fruit and vegetables and whole grain bread or crackers instead of chips and sweets.
More Salad and Peas, Please! – johanna
February 27th, 2009 | Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING
Often on game nights we have pizza for dinner. The kids are so excited they forgo the veggies and salad filling up on pizza. Tonight the kids were outside playing and were grimy from the mud as well as exhausted. I packed them all into the bathtub for a quick scrub before dinner. By the time they reached the dinner table they were ravaging wolves. The pizza was not ready. The only thing on the table was a bowl of peas (seasoned with a little butter, salt and pepper and a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese) and a salad. Maybe that was a good thing.
As I placed the salad and peas on their plates Adelin complained “I do not want that!†and Everett shoved the plate away, as usual. Mason however started to devour his peas and was already on a second helping before everyone had been served. (Shocking…I did not think he liked peas) Adelin, Mason’s shadow, joined in eating all her peas and salad. Animosity towards vegetables soon turned into a contest of who could eat their salad and peas the fastest. Requests for more came as each competitor cleaned their plate. “More peas please.†“More salad please.†By the time the pizza was done their little tummies could only handle one small slice rather than two or three.
Experts agree if getting your kids to eat vegetables is a stress do not give up. There are a few ways combat a veggie-phobia.
–No snacking allowed. If they come to the dinner table hungry enough to eat wood they are more likely to eat better.
–Treats are just that. Save the treats for a special occasion or once a day. Kids are naturally drawn to the sweet taste of sugar. They can learn to enjoy fruits and vegetables as much as a cookie if we teach them how. It may take half their childhood, as I am beginning to think in Everett’s case, but it can be done.
–Let them dip. If it takes frosting, yogurt, cheese, peanut butter, hummus or ranch dressing so be it.
–To Chop or Dice. Try serving vegetables cooked, raw, diced, sliced or in sticks. Sometimes it is the texture or the presentation that has them turning their nose up.
–Use more fruits and vegetables. Add diced, chopped or pureed vegetables to recipes. Vegetables can add wonderful flavor which means less fat, added fiber and more filling.
–Set a good example.
–Start infants on vegetables. Limit the amount of starchy snack foods.
–Offer a variety of fruits and vegetables.
–Jazz it up. Add dried fruit, cheese or nuts to salads.
–Play with your food. Be cute and dress up fruits and vegetables by cutting flowers and making faces.
–Never force the issue. Give them the opportunity and one day they will surprise you.
Book Review: Love and Logic – johanna
February 18th, 2009 | Filed under: THE BOOKSHELF, THE DISH ON PARENTING
As I watch the three loverly’s grow I am posed with a conundrum. In one year, the average child learns to suck from the breast or a bottle, drink from a cup, sip from a straw. He also masters eating solids, rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking and clapping. More over babies can understand directions, recognize faces, shapes, colors, numbers, letters and speak. Why can’t they behave when we want them to?
I want to enjoy being around my kids and I want others to enjoy being around them. We have tried to instill basic courtesies. They know please and thank you. Do not hit. Do not bit. Be gentle to the cat. Share your toys. Do not jump on the couch. Do they always stay within the bounds? No, of course not, they are kids. They like to test the waters and they like to do it when we least expect it. It is our job to constantly be one step ahead of them. So we arm ourselves with what we know and the lessons learned by others and hope for the best.
Granted I remember many times as a teenager I thought I knew what I was doing and luckily I had a mom to step in and redirect me. When I am dealing with my own little ones I cannot count how many times I have thought, “what in the world are you doing?” “You should know better!” There are plenty of adults I would ask the same questions. Being a mom is one of the most challenging jobs I have undertaken. With so many books on the subject you would think we moms and dads would have it all figured out. Problem is the majority of experts writing those books focus on the average child and do not take into account the differences of personality. After spending hundreds of dollars to help me figure out why my kid was slightly different from the other kids he played with and not getting anywhere I got the best advice you can get. It was free and from an experienced mom.
That was where I was three years ago. I felt like I was failing miserably. Nothing worked. I tried reading books. I tried watching the Nanny shows. I talked with friends. My son was getting angrier and acting out even more. I was running out of consequences. His toys were gone. There was nothing left in his room but a bed. Why the answer is never there before we reach the dead end eludes me. I was at a friend’s house pouring out my frustrations. She mentioned she had the same struggles with finding consequences and offered to let me borrow a book that helped her. I did not want to scoff in her face. I doubted another book written by another so called expert would be of any help. Politely, I accepted the book. That night I flipped through it. The following day I had finished reading the entire book. It was exactly what I was searching for. I admit I was completely overwhelmed at first. Yet, to my surprise there was a completely different kid living with us after a few days of implementing the strategies taught in the book.
After some observation I made an alarming discovery. My child was not only 100% all natural certified “boyâ€, but he is a sensitive and spirited child. The average child has an activity level of seven. One being the lowest, ten the highest. Spirited children have an activity level of 9. When I placed him in time out or yelled at him he got worse. Love and Logic helped me realize I was going about discipline the wrong way. We do not have to use a big voice or act authoritative in order to correct bad behavior. Rather allow the child to discover their mistakes and learn how to make right choices while in a loving environment. Instead of saying “that was naughty, you go to time out, now!” I can calmly put my hand on his should, sing “uh-uh, you chose to go to time out!” He is calmly and quietly moved to a time out spot, his bedroom or couch. When he is calm I go to him and give him a big hug and kiss, calmly ask him why he is there and tell him he may come out of time out. As Mason got older we started using delayed consequences. If he broke a rule and I was unable to come up with a consequence right away, the next time he wanted a treat, to play a game or watch TV we would tell him “that’s so sad. You did this.
Love and Logic is also all about making choices. Give the responsibility back to the child. Say things like “do you want to put your shirt on first our your pants?” When they ask for a treat before dinner ask “would you like to have it with your dinner or after?” If it is cold outside, rather than get in a fight over a coat say “it is cold outside, I am going to wear my coat so I do not get cold. Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?” But never give a choice that you cannot follow through on. Choices 99% of the time will defuse the situation. Both parties win.
Love and Logic
Behavior Charts and Responsibility- Preparing the Little Guy for Kindergarten – johanna
February 11th, 2009 | Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING
I am faced with a heavy dilemma at present. The time to sign Mason up for Kindergarten is fast approaching and I am questioning is he really ready to go. He is doing exceedingly well academically. I fear however, that with the the demise of nap time, in most schools playtime and play centers that Mason will meet Kindergarten with a negative attitude resulting in a dislike of school. Moreover my greatest fear is that he will be labeled a problem child for his displays of boyishness. He still has a hard time giving up his toys in exchange for other activities. He dislikes crafts and is not all that interested in participating in class. He can sign his name but prefers writing the letters very small, very large, in scary type or just takes his time because he would rather be doing something else. Mason is very much a boy, a very active boy, in all aspects of the word. All he wants to do is play.
So do I hold Mason back for one more year of Preschool or send him on to Kindergarten. I have pretty much raised our children in a loving and playful home. We are strict about sleep. Adamant about manners and being kind to others. We teach them to help clean up when they make a mess. We have somewhat of a schedule; mostly, we learn through play Montessori style. I am an advocate of letting kids be kids. However, the time has come for Mason to learn a little responsibility. Sort of a coming of age.
After careful consideration Stephen and I have come to the conclusion that if we hold Mason back he will ultimately graduate high school at age 19. A friend of mine who is a child psychologist was helpful in the matter. She cautioned me to think about later on when he gets into 5th and 6th grades and their minds become aware of the age difference. She has seen quite a few problems lately in regards to a child’s self esteem in this particular area. After determining his age difference I went back to Susan and discussed possible solutions to prepare him for the rigors of Kindergarten.
I explained the strategies I had in mind such as introducing a behavior chart. Something we tried before but he was not quite into. Susan gave me a great idea to take pictures of Mason doing each of the activities on the behavior chart such as brushing his teeth, setting the table, behaving at school, sharing his toys and so on. When he sees himself performing all these tasks he will be more likely to participate. Another suggestion Susan had was to play more games that require him to listen to what I am saying and copy what I am doing as in Simon Says and do as I am doing. Then try seeing who can sit still the longest. Rewards can be handed out if needed. My goal is to have them sit still for 30 minutes of reading time.
I found a great idea on a blog Kirk Family Adventures. I do not know how I stumbled upon the blog but I was glad I did. We adhere somewhat to the Love and Logic philosophy. A parenting technique centered around making choices. Needless to say I was right on board with the Kirk Family’s idea of allowing their son to choose if he wanted to do the chores or have mom. If he does them then he gets a bead and if she does them them there is no reward. (A great introducing to prepare him for his first official chore and allowance beginning next year.) She made a list divided by morning, evening, any time chores and enrichment. Her son earns privileges in exchange for beads.
Another option my brother introduced to me is Handipoints. Handipoints is a free behavioral/chore chart website. It keeps track of all the child’s responsibilities and the points earned for completing them. The child can create an Avatar cat complete with user name. The parent assigns how many points and Handiland bonus points are awarded for each completed task. The parent also has to grade the tasks. So if your child gets sneaky and says they did something they did not, when you grade their chart points are deducted. Points go toward rewards you both come up with and bonus points are exchanged for clothing for their cat and decor for their house. Handiland is where the cats can chat, trade clothes or furniture with other members, play games for more bonus points and shop.
The challenge is to remember to keep Mason to task. I hung his strand of beads up where he can always see them. Out of site out of mind, right? I am encouraged and excited to see him move on and conquer great things.
Laughter Helps the Medicine Go Down – johanna
February 9th, 2009 | Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING
Not long ago, I made an amazing discovery. As in J.M Barrie’s classic Peter Pan, I had grown up. I had forgotten how to play dolls and cars or come up with a silly song or bedtime story. It is so easy to become consumed with the day to day responsibilities of being a mom and wife that I sometimes forget to laugh. I realized I had better lighten up relax and have fun. These years I have with my little ones are so short.
Child development experts believe that humor is a learned trait. While children do come with their own personalities, we can set the tone for how they cope with life’s ups and downs. If you want your child to be able to roll with it, to embrace defeat and move on, then we as parents need to be able to laugh at the uh-oh’s. I had an interesting conversation with my mom while she was here for Christmas. She mentioned how her mom would never let them play with paints until the situation was perfect for fear of having to clean up a huge mess. I am guilty as charged.
After little Everett was born, I was extremely ill and sleep deprived. The last thing I wanted to do is clean up an extra mess. I realized my mistake when one afternoon I thought I would be a great mom and let my kids paint. Mason refused to paint because as he put it “painting is messy.†Oh what great influences we have on our children. Yikes! No use in crying over spilt milk right? I needed to change if I expected them to change. Instead of getting mad over an accident I taught them to just clean it up. That is not to say I am never exasperated in the face of another clean up. I am trying to be more aware of how I handle the situation. Adelin adopted “it’s ok, it is just an accident†as her favorite catch phrase. Now, I get a laugh when the kids pull out the art supplies or make a mess and I hear Stephen freak. He looks at me for support and I sheepishly have to say they are fine.
Studies have shown laughter improves mood, strengthens the immune system and lowers blood pressure. It can also take the stress out of being a parent. Comedy can conquer a tantrum 99.9 % of the time. The goal is to diffuse the tantrum. Talking and scolding only make it worse. I like to play “Where is itâ€. A game I adopted from a friend of mine. You say “Oh my, it is gone. Is it in your ear? Is it in your shirt?†The goal is to find his lost smile. Other times, I point to his shirt and say is that your sock? Kids get a real kick out of funky sounds and calling a body part or object by the wrong name. Another strategy I try to use is singing. It is hard to yell when you are singing. I usually will sing a song about what they are doing. Sometimes nothing works and it is best to leave them alone.
Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not Mother of the Year. My friend and I sadly share our dirty secrets to each other about how many times that week we lost it. I think it helps us feel we are not alone and we are filled with the necessary encouragement to press forward.
Here are some ways we try to fit fun and laughter into our lives.
-Take time out to see a funny play or movie or go to a local comedy club
-Organize a game night with family or friends.
-Host a karaoke night or XBOX tournament. Our favorite is Rock Band
-Call an old friend
-Play Snake in the Cave
-Play Monster coming
-Play peek-a-boo.
-Play hide-n-seek.
-Say you are a cat but moo like a cow
-Sing using a goofy voice.
-Make up rhymes. The kids love stuff like faster, faster we need another master.
-Read stories using different voices. My daughter squeals when I read her Charlie and Lola using the voices from the TV show.
-Walk and dance using funny movements.
-Kids love the old slapstick humor of falling down. They love it a little too much.
-Play construction trucks to pick up a load of laundry and bulldoze them to the laundry room.
-Teach a baby doll a crazy dance. Another favorite.
-Place objects where they do not belong such as a shoe on your head and a hat on your foot.
-Point to a body part and say the wrong word.
-Celebrate traditional and made up holidays
I Have A Dream For Mason – johanna
January 23rd, 2009 | Filed under: THE DISH ON PARENTING
Today Mason’s teacher invited all the parents to attend a special celebration at school. As part of our homework assignment we were to write or draw the dream we have for our child. A hula hoop was hung from the ceiling and the papers tied to the hula hoop to crate a “Dream Catcher”.
My dream for Mason is not far different from any other devoted mom or dad. I want to see him succeed in life both in education and career. That he will have the understanding that anything is possible; that with a lot of hard work and perseverance he can do great things. He will be a strong leader. He will be a loyal friend and loving husband and father. He will have a strong work ethic. He will be known for his honesty, courage and integrity. He will be someone who is not afraid to stand up for what is right. He will use his talents to do good and help others. Stephen would like to see him become a doctor but I believe that he should do what he is passionate about because he is the one logging in the hours day after day.
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